Fishy Business

 Summer started. It's really really hot. Suffocatingly hot. So hot I couldn't sleep tonight. I only managed about half an hour before the heat got to me. It's like 3:40 am rn and I have just been binging Abbott Elementary. (It's a sitcom)  I'm drenched and tired but I would rather this than the AC. It's too cold and I usually get sick afterwards. Sick and summer are not a good combination... Well sick and any season aren't a good combination honestly, but I digress. I think I need to understand myself more and how I operate in friendships.. As well as what I define as a friendship because apparently I've just been dropping people. They're too busy with their lives and I just don't reach out. Sure, they could also do some lifting but Idk about that.  Anyways... My dad asked me what my fears were two days ago. First thing that came to mind was failing, though mom said it first. I tried thinking of other things but I just choked up. I'm afraid o...

 As it turns out, the videos I thought were regurgitating negativity were not. The title was clickbait, and I just got reverse baited. I watched all the videos yesterday and they were nice commentary on just trying to get better and not yielding to titles.  They admitted that life is not as easy as it used to be but it's not a reason to quit. This is a bit of a short one, but I do owe an apology to my youtuber friends :)

 I've been meaning to write to you for a while. I just seem to have forgotten is all. That or I've been wasting my time on other things, like playing a quake mod. I've been spending my time with family. It feels great. I still spend too much time in my own head. Which means I think too much about my own actions and how they're perceived.  Also, I've been subscribed to a few small youtubers and ... their content has gotten more negative as of late. I don't like it so I don't watch it anymore. They keep repeating the same idea of "Men are lonely" and I don't feel the same way. Could be short sight on my end. It could also be that it's more of a personal thing they feel. Youtube is just a platform for people to air out what they think, regardless of how true it is. It's personal. Just because I'm blessed with something not being a part of my reality, doesn't mean everyone's the same. I'm still allowed to dislike it and not ...

Winter Break is over. It's been a fun two weeks that I got to spend with my family. I haven't been able to do that for a couple of months now, so I am very thankful. I had big plans for the past two weeks. Surely, I was able to accomplish them, right? #1 Write a story I read this manga that had a very horrible ending, but the premise and the theme were incredible. It starts with this virtually irredeemable scum main character who has accepted that he is scum and was not going to change. Until a love interest shows up, and it is then that we see this person in a constant battle with wanting to be a better person and trying, while also being afraid of who he is. His past isn't forgotten either, in fact his love interest kinda blackmailed him into a relationship with her.  The manga covered themes of redemption and negative self talk. It could have ended well, except in the end the main cast of characters gets killed for shock value. Genuinely, it's not even explained or a...