Fishy Business

Her name was Nyx, like the goddess of night from greek mythology. Nyx was famous. She was perfect. At least, that's what it seemed like, considering everywhere she went she was showered in praises. I saw her name on giant sparky billboards that illuminated the night. I heard her name before I saw waves of smiles wherever she went. She was gorgeous too. At least, I think she was. Her face wasn't actually visible to me, and when I did try to see it, it transformed into my mother's, as though it was a placeholder. I followed Nyx everywhere she went, which wasn't that hard considering she either went out to walk in the streets or was home.  This is the weird part.  In my dream, I wasn't just an observer. I could interact with Nyx. Soon as she got home, me and the rest of Nyx's children angrily got up, making our way for the door. Everyone loved Nyx, except us. Obviously, I don't know why we're angry at Nyx. I barely have any history with that woman. Yet, one...

 I'm thinking back to my incomplete essay. It's titled "For the love of the game". It's about sports fanaticism and how I never participated in it.  The reason I'm suddenly remembering it is because I started going out with my cousins and family recently. Every Friday, they go out to play Paddle. I suck at it. I could go into a list of "logical" reasons as to why I suck. None would be better than to say "Skill Issue". This is my second time going out with them. It's fun. It only slight annoys me that I'm unable to perform well. Cause I do want to perform. My uncle said I just need to allow myself to enjoy it more. Focus less on being good enough. This is the core principal in games. Fun.  

I find this embarrassing to say, especially if I plan on sharing this with anyone else, but I love myself.  I really do. Yes, I am aware of my shortcomings. Yes, I dislike my flaws. Yes, I hate that I sin. But that never stopped me from liking my existence. Or, rather, liking the idea of existing. I like existing so much that the idea of not existing scares me.  Why am I writing this? Well, because I have two exams tomorrow. I feel stressed and overwhelmed. It's no one's fault though. I've been consciously underperforming or forgetting about my responsibilities until they'd come out of nowhere and attack me. I say that, but realistically it's like a weed that I let grow. Naturally, when the downpour of consequences inevitably crushes me, I start being upset. Because I know what I needed to do and I know that I still have a window of time to fix this... Yet, I would rather watch it burn and start over than keep building atop this rugged, messy tower I built. I label ...