Fishy Business

Hellooooo! It's been a month. Granted I revoked access from everyone; so no one has been able to read what I wrote here and no one would have cared. Well, except for me. I care.  Last I wrote here, I was going through my finals. I'm glad to announce I'm done with said finals and have passed! Yyyyup. Made it another semester. Almost at the finish line here, folks. I am dying  to graduate. The past two months have been a blast! I made two videos, with more to come out in the future if I lock in and do the hard part (reading and research ... lol). Deltarune chapter 5 came out and it was... Tone deaf(?) Chapter 4 was this emotional heart-gripping adventure that outlined a doom on the horizon. Chapter 5 on the other hand delivers this tonal whiplash in the form of  the whimsy "Flowery". I loved Chapter 5, don't get me wrong. It delivers a lot in regards to character aspirations but it's just very... uncomfortable? When the chapter started, I was already feeling...

 Summer started. It's really really hot. Suffocatingly hot. So hot I couldn't sleep tonight. I only managed about half an hour before the heat got to me. It's like 3:40 am rn and I have just been binging Abbott Elementary. (It's a sitcom)  I'm drenched and tired but I would rather this than the AC. It's too cold and I usually get sick afterwards. Sick and summer are not a good combination... Well sick and any season aren't a good combination honestly, but I digress. I think I need to understand myself more and how I operate in friendships.. As well as what I define as a friendship because apparently I've just been dropping people. They're too busy with their lives and I just don't reach out. Sure, they could also do some lifting but Idk about that.  Anyways... My dad asked me what my fears were two days ago. First thing that came to mind was failing, though mom said it first. I tried thinking of other things but I just choked up. I'm afraid o...

 As it turns out, the videos I thought were regurgitating negativity were not. The title was clickbait, and I just got reverse baited. I watched all the videos yesterday and they were nice commentary on just trying to get better and not yielding to titles.  They admitted that life is not as easy as it used to be but it's not a reason to quit. This is a bit of a short one, but I do owe an apology to my youtuber friends :)

 I've been meaning to write to you for a while. I just seem to have forgotten is all. That or I've been wasting my time on other things, like playing a quake mod. I've been spending my time with family. It feels great. I still spend too much time in my own head. Which means I think too much about my own actions and how they're perceived.  Also, I've been subscribed to a few small youtubers and ... their content has gotten more negative as of late. I don't like it so I don't watch it anymore. They keep repeating the same idea of "Men are lonely" and I don't feel the same way. Could be short sight on my end. It could also be that it's more of a personal thing they feel. Youtube is just a platform for people to air out what they think, regardless of how true it is. It's personal. Just because I'm blessed with something not being a part of my reality, doesn't mean everyone's the same. I'm still allowed to dislike it and not ...

Winter Break is over. It's been a fun two weeks that I got to spend with my family. I haven't been able to do that for a couple of months now, so I am very thankful. I had big plans for the past two weeks. Surely, I was able to accomplish them, right? #1 Write a story I read this manga that had a very horrible ending, but the premise and the theme were incredible. It starts with this virtually irredeemable scum main character who has accepted that he is scum and was not going to change. Until a love interest shows up, and it is then that we see this person in a constant battle with wanting to be a better person and trying, while also being afraid of who he is. His past isn't forgotten either, in fact his love interest kinda blackmailed him into a relationship with her.  The manga covered themes of redemption and negative self talk. It could have ended well, except in the end the main cast of characters gets killed for shock value. Genuinely, it's not even explained or a...

 While I have yet to fix my sleep schedule, I have been writing more frequently. Whether or not this is a good thing I'll leave for anyone but myself to decide. I'm going to ignore everyone's decision, because it feels great. Yes I still struggle with boredom and yes I caved and played video games.  My 24 hours of the day aren't well spent because I spend them thinking about action and being bored with the occasional "Star of Providence" run to kill the monotony.  My new goal for now is to be more productive, even if just by a small bit. I have a game I want to work on. Material I want to prepare for the next class I'm going to give and yeah.. That's about it. oOoh  I also wanna try writing poems in the style of Ogden Nash. This guy's poems are simple, cute and funny. I just loved reading them. God, this reminds me that I've yet to complete the poetry guide book. SO MUCH to do,  and adequately enough time to do it I hope. That's all from me...

 This is the post teleportation recording. The main reason I made the teleportation video is because of this weird phenomenon I came across. Teleportation is real, just not as convenient as I wished it to be. I fell into a puddle yesterday. This wasn't a normal puddle though, you don't just shrug it off and get on with your day. When I fell into that puddle, I fell so deep I came out on the other side. And all I saw was darkness save for a few spots that showed the other surface. This sounds cliche, I know. But I'm pretty sure I fell into a parallel dimension.  Like A Nether Situation. I can't gauge distances for sure, but what I gathered was it reflects the shadows in our world. One of the conveniences teleportation doesn't necessarily cover is Space. Mass transport takes a lot of space, especially when the public sector is deficient or failing. Maybe this parallel dimension could fix this issue. I'll try bringing one of my friends to this place... Well, I'...

 So uhhh.. Remember how over the past few days I said I was bored and I was struggling to do stuff. Weeeeell I ended up installing steam on my dad's laptop and gaming for a lot of hours. First night with no anxiety attacks sooooooo I think it's fair to assume I have a serious video game addiction.  That aside, I finished one of my tasks tonight in... a few minutes. Honestly I just need to focus.  I also tried out the Half life 2 (Raising The Bar) Mod and it was alright. It improved on some aspects of the original in terms of visual story telling. Buuuut it's not all flowers and daisies. The mod has serious collision/hitbox issues where I kept getting bugged out or was unable to walk for no clear reason. Alyx sounds weird. Not to say she's being voiced by a bad voice actor. But she feels more like an actual video game character than the original Alyx which is crazy to say. She's more nerdy and less actiony which was her original concept. I guess that's why I didn...

 I'm bored again. I pretty much only read manga today. I read through the entirety of Beastars. It's really good. That's the short of it. The long of it, this manga discusses racism and sexism. Pretty much all the -isms. It paints this plot so well under the guise of  Carnivore animals vs Herbivore animals. Lots of themes are discussed which include but are not limited to controlling your desires. Supermacy, which funnily enough goes both ways. Herbivores are weaker than Carnivores. They are prey, you can't change that. Yet, sometimes the way they painted themselves as an always-victim resulted in hatred and resentment towards the hunters.  The hunters were also complacent. They just accepted that they are monsters and they can't change. They are dangerous and they would either lean into that reality or forever hate themselves. One comment I read describes it as a "dysfunctional society" and I don't think there's a better way to put it.  It was a m...

Hi! There's been a lot of talk about algorithms lately and it coaxed me into asking the question. How did the first generation of youtubers feel when they started making Youtube videos? Back then, Youtube looked and felt completely different. If you asked me back then if I knew what Youtube was, I'd probably have said something along the lines of "PEANUT BUTTER BABY" It wasn't a successful business yet, but a platform for anyone to share whatever it is they desired. I'm not here to give a history lesson about the good old golden days though, if you're interested I think Nomad did a pretty nice job in this video. When I did come around eventually, some household names were already established. Matpat, Markiplier, DanTDM are a few examples that come to mind. There was a time when I came back from school to watch these guys on my TV screen. I'm sure I wasn't the only one. That is until it all changed. The first generation isn't around like they us...

 There are two things I really like. Doing things really well, and arson. hMMM

 I'm bored.  My laptop being fried isn't fun. I already sent it for repairs, but in doing so I secluded myself from my primary entertainment hobby. Gaming.  But then again, gaming alone is exhausting and quite boring. I've completed all the games that I like. Getting into new ones would be a waste of potential I could throw someplace else.  I've got tons of things to do to occupy myself. For one, I've been writing a lot more than usual. I'm practically a script production factory. I also have time to revise things I wanted to revise. Get into the habit of drawing. Lots of things, really. And yet, I still waste time. It's funny. I'm writing this because sometime around evening I got a sharp anxiety attack. I say anxiety attack but I don't exactly know what it is. My chest tightened around my heart for no reason and I found myself suffocating. I had nothing to worry about, and nothing to burden me. So why? Why am I like this? They say feelings you repr...

 This goes out to you. Whoever you are. I might know you as I write this. Maybe I haven't yet. This is my cliche confession for when we get there. I don't fully understand what draws me to you. My rules of attraction are very simple, really. Just engage with me and make me feel seen, and you've won my side. It's immature, I know. I mean, to fall head over heels for someone who just treated me with decency speaks a lot about how mentally ill I must be.  So I try— I really do— to logistify the process (if logistify is even a word). I have to make sense of it all; Make sure I picked the right person. I don't really want to fail at all. Which is kinda funny, because failure is inevitable.  To make sense of it all, our ideals must match. We must meet on some common ground. Is that all it requires? I mean, I've liked a girl once because someone told me I liked her, even though I didn't. But when I was told how to feel, I simply had to meet that expectation and act...

Teleportation is the most broken superpower to ever exist. That's what I believe. Now, as much as I'd love to have an entire discussion over why teleportation trumps every other superpower. I'm here for one thing and one thing only, ruining it. I say ruining it, but really I'm just making it less convenient. Teleportation has taken many forms throughout the ages. We had teleportation devices, where your body is atomised and reconstructed,  which started a conversation among philosophers on whether the person on the other side is the same person. This dilemma didn't last long, however, thanks to the contributions of "Extremely Moral Inventions LLC". Another form of teleportation was that of the portal gun. Which created two portals that lead to one another. You go into the blue and pop out of the orange. Simple; easy to use, and almost definitely not dangerous. No really! don't worry about it. Just don't place them above each other and accelerate in...

Whenever I was in school, I desperately tried to love what I do so I could do it better. To that extent, I can remember the stuff I loved. But there's this assignment we were given that still sticks with me to this day.It was just another day of winter. I woke up freezing; coaxed myself into my school's uniform and grabbed a sandwich on my way out.  As soon as the homeroom period, or whatever it's called, was over. My homeroom teacher switched to her main task, and my favourite subject, English.  I don't need to clarify why I loved English. You can see why as you read this. That term in particular was hard to crack for me. My school used to do this thing where they try to incorporate soft skills and emotional maturity in the things we learn. Being the subject where we had to think and describe stuff the most, English took a good load of these loaded assignments (see what I did there?) The topic of discussion for the day was realising our own humanity. Sounds complicated...

Had a couple friends come home to study with me, since we're taking the same subject. I won't go into the details of my epiphany while studying; You already know I'm so smart B). What I will tell you about is the segment where my pals, buddies, chums, fiddly fids went into my kitchen to have a snack. One of 'em consensually scooped my peanut butter while the other was questioning my life's culinary decisions with. To the latter's benefit of the doubt, it is, in fact, a miracle that I'm still alive. I don't eat much or that often. Because food is best when it's hot and with company. My housemate (brother) doesn't provide either of those that often. So we don't eat. When you don't eat food and it stays for a while, it rots. Hence why there was forgotten and rotten cured meat in the back of the fridge.  Whoops... Anyways, so we ended up clearing out a lot of the spoiled stuff. I owe that friend a thank you for the wake up call and the help w...